Recently, my 11 year old son explained to me how he remembers things: he keeps "file cabinets" in his head, labeled under various events or things, and visits those file cabinets whenever he needs to. Besides constantly amazing me, he had a point. Our memories, special events, education, life events and whatever else is important is neatly filed away in the file cabinets of our complicated brains to reference anytime we need to. Some of us forget where we kept shit and it takes years to find it, but it never goes away, it's always there. Waiting.
I am repetitive by nature, and much to my dismay and others around me, my memory has only gotten worse over the years, mostly due to chemical influence. So if I ever tell you a story for the billionth time, please have patience. I promise you'll still love me. Maybe. But the whole file cabinet theory reminded me of the years I suppressed my genetically-given "gifts" (my Mom would probably say God-given, and that's cool, but I prefer to think of it as the trickle-down DNA, talent-by-injection method) and had to dig pretty deep to find out what they were and rediscover the true me. Though my self-consciousness does not usually allow me to say "gifts" or "talents"; deeply woven negativity can take a lifetime to break. I prefer to see them as my unique way of expressing the goop that takes up my big brain. Big brain as in All The Crap Up There, not big brain as in highly intelligent. I'm not a dumbass, but I'm no genius either. I just need outlets to manage the goop, that's all.
So, I've probably said this before, but creative inspiration for me usually happens when I'm about to go to sleep. It's annoying as hell but I figure it's payback for suppressing it chemically for so long. Karma is a bitch my friends, and the cosmic irony is just too hilarious to stay annoyed. At least I get the inspiration; if not, I wouldn't be sitting here or doing everything else that I do as an "artist". Anyhoo, this brings me to my next sub-topic, poetry. Most who know me have heard me say, probably a dozen or more times (repetitive, remember?), how I pretty much loathe poetry. Save for the poetry of songs and Edgar Allan Poe (duh, of course), it just isn't my cup of tea. However, about 2 years ago, I starting getting what I call creative "flashes" of poetry in my mind that just ate at me until I have to get it down on paper, or here, as it may be. Why? I have no clue. But when something picks at my brain and I can't sleep, I have to release it, whether it's poetry, just a regular blog, or my art. I don't know if it's good, or even somewhat decent, I just get it out. The chips just fall where they may. I release it to the world, and then you can be the judge. But more importantly, I release it from one of my dusty file cabinets, usually labeled either "suffering" or "randomness". So without further ado, here is the latest goop that oozed from my brain last night at midnight. It is untitled. Enjoy...or not.
A river of pain runs through these holes
In my heart and my soul -
Running crimson down blackened stones,
Staining trails of tortured time; a well-worn path
To the prison in my mind.
I am only a number here;
Scarlet-lettered skin scorched by peers.
The ashes of my dreams scattered -
Smeared as if they didn't matter.
What they didn't ask or want to know
Is my beauty as a whole.
But a blind eye will crucify;
Left alone in Hell to remain
Until all my redemption drains
Through these holes of pain.
AJW 11/6/11
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Until You've Walked A Mile
Under a bridge huddled close
Ice cold from fingers to toes
Watching strangers pass him by
Fighting off the urge to cry.
She sits on the bus next to you
Wondering if that some day soon
She'll have the strength to make a stand
Against her boyfriend's brutal hand.
The child who sits all alone
Left to play on his own
All he wants is just one friend
And all the constant bullying to end.
The old woman with her silent stare
Time and wisdom streaked through her hair
Her children who long ago forgot their mother
She's too old and frail, why even bother?
Every day there are souls who suffer
A friend, a stranger, a sister, a brother
They hide behind a well-worn mask
Perhaps not knowing whose help to ask.
A kind word, a helping hand
Goes a long way in the end
If we all looked for a moment at each other
We see our blood is all the same color.
Do not look on the actions of others
Judging books by their covers
You'd want others to do the same
Even when you hide your pain.
Would it hurt for once to say
To a stranger, "Have a good day"?
A nod, a hug, a smile
Judge not, until you've walked a mile.
Ice cold from fingers to toes
Watching strangers pass him by
Fighting off the urge to cry.
She sits on the bus next to you
Wondering if that some day soon
She'll have the strength to make a stand
Against her boyfriend's brutal hand.
The child who sits all alone
Left to play on his own
All he wants is just one friend
And all the constant bullying to end.
The old woman with her silent stare
Time and wisdom streaked through her hair
Her children who long ago forgot their mother
She's too old and frail, why even bother?
Every day there are souls who suffer
A friend, a stranger, a sister, a brother
They hide behind a well-worn mask
Perhaps not knowing whose help to ask.
A kind word, a helping hand
Goes a long way in the end
If we all looked for a moment at each other
We see our blood is all the same color.
Do not look on the actions of others
Judging books by their covers
You'd want others to do the same
Even when you hide your pain.
Would it hurt for once to say
To a stranger, "Have a good day"?
A nod, a hug, a smile
Judge not, until you've walked a mile.
Sister
With half my life now over
The second half lay ahead
The time is now to open my heart
And confess those things unsaid.
The one that I resented
Whose words I wouldn't hear
Taught me the most important lesson:
Honesty is not something you fear.
When someone truly cares
They'll tell you the truth, indeed
Not glossed over or sugar-coated
It's not what you want; it's what you need.
For years I did not understand
The thought behind the words
So anger bred resentment
And the darkness within emerged.
Either time stands still or flies on by
And the warmest heart turns black
You blind yourself to reality
Never realizing there's no turning back.
Then one day you do discover
Your life's been standing still
And in that moment of crystal clarity
It's a humble, yet bitter pill.
Hard I fought against you
I thought the truth was lies
But in the end I saw myself reflected
Back at me from your eyes.
For every one finger I pointed
And passed the blame to thee
There were three more fingers in that fist
Pointing directly back at me.
The truth may hurt so deeply
The scars may mark your soul
But the tricky part is learning
When to let them go.
So now I look back in life
And know that it was you
That tried to show me all the while
To thine own self be true.
My sister is a soul mate
Not just family but a friend
Who will even save you from yourself
From now until time ends.
The second half lay ahead
The time is now to open my heart
And confess those things unsaid.
The one that I resented
Whose words I wouldn't hear
Taught me the most important lesson:
Honesty is not something you fear.
When someone truly cares
They'll tell you the truth, indeed
Not glossed over or sugar-coated
It's not what you want; it's what you need.
For years I did not understand
The thought behind the words
So anger bred resentment
And the darkness within emerged.
Either time stands still or flies on by
And the warmest heart turns black
You blind yourself to reality
Never realizing there's no turning back.
Then one day you do discover
Your life's been standing still
And in that moment of crystal clarity
It's a humble, yet bitter pill.
Hard I fought against you
I thought the truth was lies
But in the end I saw myself reflected
Back at me from your eyes.
For every one finger I pointed
And passed the blame to thee
There were three more fingers in that fist
Pointing directly back at me.
The truth may hurt so deeply
The scars may mark your soul
But the tricky part is learning
When to let them go.
So now I look back in life
And know that it was you
That tried to show me all the while
To thine own self be true.
My sister is a soul mate
Not just family but a friend
Who will even save you from yourself
From now until time ends.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Untitled
Tiny pinpoints of light
Bespeckle the twilight
Each in brilliance set apart
A lasting impression on my heart.
Beneath the dazzle of the moon
I imagine I will see you soon
Hand in hand, we fly around the sun
Lost souls together, becoming one.
Tears turn to diamonds on my cheeks
As we dance on mountain peaks
Together we soar on tethered wings
No more sorrow this life brings.
We move away
You cannot stay
But these words to me, you say:
"You are my flower
And every day, every hour
I send the butterflies
To be my eyes
In a beautiful disguise
To let you know you're not alone -
I'm always with you, I never left home."
~AJW 8/22/11~
Bespeckle the twilight
Each in brilliance set apart
A lasting impression on my heart.
Beneath the dazzle of the moon
I imagine I will see you soon
Hand in hand, we fly around the sun
Lost souls together, becoming one.
Tears turn to diamonds on my cheeks
As we dance on mountain peaks
Together we soar on tethered wings
No more sorrow this life brings.
We move away
You cannot stay
But these words to me, you say:
"You are my flower
And every day, every hour
I send the butterflies
To be my eyes
In a beautiful disguise
To let you know you're not alone -
I'm always with you, I never left home."
~AJW 8/22/11~
Monday, August 8, 2011
August 18, 1991 - 20th Anniversary Observance - When Blind Dates Go Horribly Wrong
I'm going to try and not make this too long. There's so much to be said about this day. Not to mention, I've told this story a million times, and I would rather focus more on the way this event changed me, rather than focus on the negative aspects of it. Here we go....
I was 19 years old and living with my sister at my grandfather's house at the time. Sis was seeing someone and they were both trying to talk me into going on a blind date with his cousin, Mike. "He's got long hair and he's into metal." Sold!! Never had I been on a blind date before, perish the thought, but the promise of long hair and a fellow metalhead made it seem promising. It wasn't, he looked like something out of the Addam's Family. He was a scarily looking fucker.
He took me to a keg party at a friend's house, where it so happened, I was the only female in attendance. I can't say that I minded that much. I get along better with guys and always have. I actually ended up having my eye on another guy there, Bill, and chatted with him and a couple of others most of the night. At 4am, after a few beers and too many shots of Night Train, the owner of the house wanted us to go. Four of us, Bill and Cousin It included and another guy named Eric, decided to find another spot to finish the keg.
Something in my very core was telling me to go home - it was late, I was in Naugatuck and still had to drive a half hour home. But I was having too much fun and diggin' this other cat, Bill, so I ignored it. That was a really bad idea, and a good lesson for me that came later. So, they knew a spot that the cops wouldn't bother us and we could hang for a while longer. They took me to a spot behind the Naugatuck Glass Company/Polish-American club. No lights, and you were lucky if you could see a foot in front of you. Bill walked off to find a spot to relieve himself when we heard a splash. Bill had fallen off a 20 foot-plus train trestle that none of us could barely see, and he wasn't responding to our calls. I immediately got in my car and drove off to find the nearest door to knock on (no cell phone then) for someone to call an ambulance. That task done, I came back to let Bill know that help was on the way. I parked, but instead of keeping my headlights on to see, I turned them off. I don't know why; it was probably one of the dumbest things I ever did. But, I was panicking and worried about Bill. So I started jogging over to the trestle to yell down to him, and Mike and Eric who were down there with him.
You ever see the old Road Runner cartoons, where Wile E. Coyote is so wrapped up in chasing Road Runner that he runs right off a cliff, stays in the air for a few seconds, then plummets to his mock death? Yeah that was me. The only thought I can remember going through my head after realizing the ground was no longer underneath my feet, was "Oh shit."
After we were fished out of the trestle, we were brought to St. Mary's Hospital in Waterbury. Some things are blurry because of the narcotics they had me on, but I'll describe my injuries. When I fell, not only did I crush a vertebrae in my spine (L3 to be exact), but it paralyzed my right leg. To add insult to injury, I landed perfectly on top of a large railroad spike, which pierced my body, just below my tailbone and right above my rectum. When I first landed, I thought I had sprained my back and broke my leg (my leg hurt worse if you can fathom that). So when an EMT mentioned over the radio in the ambulance that my leg was not broken, I knew I was in trouble.
Over the next two weeks, I lay flat on my back, and in moments in between doses of painkillers, other grim realizations came to light. I had completely lost my bathroom functions as well, both of them, and you can well imagine what I had to endure for relief of that. In the interim, and as my mother told me later, every day was a grim report from the doctors: not sure if I'd ever walk again, not sure if my bathroom functions would ever return, not sure I'd ever be able to have children....and so on and so on. After an incubation period to make sure I would get no infection from the puncture wound from the railroad spike, off I went to the operating room. One surgeon had the painstaking task of picking bone fragments out of my spinal column (they were pinching my sciatic nerve to my leg, thus the paralysis), and the second half was with another surgeon, who took bone from my hip, fused my spine (L2, L3, L4) and inserted two, 7 inch steel rods on either side of my spine. Seven hours later, they were done.
Later, after two weeks, I was transferred to a rehabilitation hospital in New Britain where I underwent physical therapy to learn to walk again. I was there for six weeks. In the meantime, I still could not go to the bathroom on my own, but as if my body was mocking me, my period came right on the dot, every month. Anyhow, I was being told that I may never regain the ability to go on my own. Truth be told, it was that knowledge more than learning to walk again that haunted me. We take those little things for granted, give no thought to it, but when it's taken away, it becomes a living nightmare. Finally I was released and went home to my parents' house.
Over the next 6 months, I learned to catheterize myself, endured laxatives that made me cramp so bad that I often cried, couldn't take a shower because I had to keep a back brace on at all times, and the neuroma that developed from the spike puncture wound causing me bursts of raging pain that felt like I had a knife up my ass, literally. My bathroom functions finally returned after those 6 months, but never again to normal. To this day, I have to push just to relieve my bladder. I suffer occasional bouts of infection because I cannot empty my bladder all the way. As for the other end, well, lots and lots of fiber, lest I fall prey to chronic constipation. At some point during that year, I saw a pain management specialist for the neuroma. The pain was to the point where I literally could not be intimate with anyone because I would double over in pain from it. So, I had a series of shots, painful on their own, especially in THAT area, which took care of it for the most part. I only get pain in that area on occasion now. My rods were removed one year later.
Though I am reminded, literally every time I go to the bathroom, of that night 20 years ago, I have long ago left behind the misery of it all, and always remember the lessons that were taught me in a single evening. The first and most important, to me, was to always trust my instincts. Had I listened to myself that night, it never would have happened. Every day since that night, I don't hesitate to remove myself from situations that don't feel right. I always say now, "If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't." Another important lesson I learned was my own inner strength. You never know how strong you are until tragedy smacks you upside the head with it. My inner fighter came out and battled to regain some semblance of my former self. Again, you never know your own strength until it's been tested. And finally, to regard life, my own included, with a higher regard. I was told later that most falls over 16 feet are fatal, resulting in death or much more serious injuries than my own. I was very, very lucky that night to come away with my life, and the use of my legs, and not a day goes by that I don't remember that fact. I was also very lucky to see that whole situation as a lesson, rather than brood about it for the rest of my life. Yes, I will always feel the physical effects from it, and I'm at risk for disc degeneration as I get older. I don't let that stop me though from enjoying my life - a life that could easily have been snuffed out. Oh, and I NEVER went on a blind date again.
Bad things happen to everyone, and I feel that you have a choice when these things rear their ugly little heads: either you can bear those crosses with dignity and strength, or drown in the misery of it all. I am truly grateful and if I had to change that whole experience, I wouldn't. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy, and it certainly took a while for my physical health and my mental health to recuperate. But I really wouldn't change a thing, because it made me who I am today. And at this point of my life, 20 years later and pushing 40, it seems like such small stuff compared to the beauty of life. And despite what those doctors told my parents, I can walk, I can function physically, I had a beautiful son who was my best gift in this life, and I am proud of who I am today.
I was 19 years old and living with my sister at my grandfather's house at the time. Sis was seeing someone and they were both trying to talk me into going on a blind date with his cousin, Mike. "He's got long hair and he's into metal." Sold!! Never had I been on a blind date before, perish the thought, but the promise of long hair and a fellow metalhead made it seem promising. It wasn't, he looked like something out of the Addam's Family. He was a scarily looking fucker.
He took me to a keg party at a friend's house, where it so happened, I was the only female in attendance. I can't say that I minded that much. I get along better with guys and always have. I actually ended up having my eye on another guy there, Bill, and chatted with him and a couple of others most of the night. At 4am, after a few beers and too many shots of Night Train, the owner of the house wanted us to go. Four of us, Bill and Cousin It included and another guy named Eric, decided to find another spot to finish the keg.
Something in my very core was telling me to go home - it was late, I was in Naugatuck and still had to drive a half hour home. But I was having too much fun and diggin' this other cat, Bill, so I ignored it. That was a really bad idea, and a good lesson for me that came later. So, they knew a spot that the cops wouldn't bother us and we could hang for a while longer. They took me to a spot behind the Naugatuck Glass Company/Polish-American club. No lights, and you were lucky if you could see a foot in front of you. Bill walked off to find a spot to relieve himself when we heard a splash. Bill had fallen off a 20 foot-plus train trestle that none of us could barely see, and he wasn't responding to our calls. I immediately got in my car and drove off to find the nearest door to knock on (no cell phone then) for someone to call an ambulance. That task done, I came back to let Bill know that help was on the way. I parked, but instead of keeping my headlights on to see, I turned them off. I don't know why; it was probably one of the dumbest things I ever did. But, I was panicking and worried about Bill. So I started jogging over to the trestle to yell down to him, and Mike and Eric who were down there with him.
You ever see the old Road Runner cartoons, where Wile E. Coyote is so wrapped up in chasing Road Runner that he runs right off a cliff, stays in the air for a few seconds, then plummets to his mock death? Yeah that was me. The only thought I can remember going through my head after realizing the ground was no longer underneath my feet, was "Oh shit."
After we were fished out of the trestle, we were brought to St. Mary's Hospital in Waterbury. Some things are blurry because of the narcotics they had me on, but I'll describe my injuries. When I fell, not only did I crush a vertebrae in my spine (L3 to be exact), but it paralyzed my right leg. To add insult to injury, I landed perfectly on top of a large railroad spike, which pierced my body, just below my tailbone and right above my rectum. When I first landed, I thought I had sprained my back and broke my leg (my leg hurt worse if you can fathom that). So when an EMT mentioned over the radio in the ambulance that my leg was not broken, I knew I was in trouble.
Over the next two weeks, I lay flat on my back, and in moments in between doses of painkillers, other grim realizations came to light. I had completely lost my bathroom functions as well, both of them, and you can well imagine what I had to endure for relief of that. In the interim, and as my mother told me later, every day was a grim report from the doctors: not sure if I'd ever walk again, not sure if my bathroom functions would ever return, not sure I'd ever be able to have children....and so on and so on. After an incubation period to make sure I would get no infection from the puncture wound from the railroad spike, off I went to the operating room. One surgeon had the painstaking task of picking bone fragments out of my spinal column (they were pinching my sciatic nerve to my leg, thus the paralysis), and the second half was with another surgeon, who took bone from my hip, fused my spine (L2, L3, L4) and inserted two, 7 inch steel rods on either side of my spine. Seven hours later, they were done.
Later, after two weeks, I was transferred to a rehabilitation hospital in New Britain where I underwent physical therapy to learn to walk again. I was there for six weeks. In the meantime, I still could not go to the bathroom on my own, but as if my body was mocking me, my period came right on the dot, every month. Anyhow, I was being told that I may never regain the ability to go on my own. Truth be told, it was that knowledge more than learning to walk again that haunted me. We take those little things for granted, give no thought to it, but when it's taken away, it becomes a living nightmare. Finally I was released and went home to my parents' house.
Over the next 6 months, I learned to catheterize myself, endured laxatives that made me cramp so bad that I often cried, couldn't take a shower because I had to keep a back brace on at all times, and the neuroma that developed from the spike puncture wound causing me bursts of raging pain that felt like I had a knife up my ass, literally. My bathroom functions finally returned after those 6 months, but never again to normal. To this day, I have to push just to relieve my bladder. I suffer occasional bouts of infection because I cannot empty my bladder all the way. As for the other end, well, lots and lots of fiber, lest I fall prey to chronic constipation. At some point during that year, I saw a pain management specialist for the neuroma. The pain was to the point where I literally could not be intimate with anyone because I would double over in pain from it. So, I had a series of shots, painful on their own, especially in THAT area, which took care of it for the most part. I only get pain in that area on occasion now. My rods were removed one year later.
Though I am reminded, literally every time I go to the bathroom, of that night 20 years ago, I have long ago left behind the misery of it all, and always remember the lessons that were taught me in a single evening. The first and most important, to me, was to always trust my instincts. Had I listened to myself that night, it never would have happened. Every day since that night, I don't hesitate to remove myself from situations that don't feel right. I always say now, "If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't." Another important lesson I learned was my own inner strength. You never know how strong you are until tragedy smacks you upside the head with it. My inner fighter came out and battled to regain some semblance of my former self. Again, you never know your own strength until it's been tested. And finally, to regard life, my own included, with a higher regard. I was told later that most falls over 16 feet are fatal, resulting in death or much more serious injuries than my own. I was very, very lucky that night to come away with my life, and the use of my legs, and not a day goes by that I don't remember that fact. I was also very lucky to see that whole situation as a lesson, rather than brood about it for the rest of my life. Yes, I will always feel the physical effects from it, and I'm at risk for disc degeneration as I get older. I don't let that stop me though from enjoying my life - a life that could easily have been snuffed out. Oh, and I NEVER went on a blind date again.
Bad things happen to everyone, and I feel that you have a choice when these things rear their ugly little heads: either you can bear those crosses with dignity and strength, or drown in the misery of it all. I am truly grateful and if I had to change that whole experience, I wouldn't. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy, and it certainly took a while for my physical health and my mental health to recuperate. But I really wouldn't change a thing, because it made me who I am today. And at this point of my life, 20 years later and pushing 40, it seems like such small stuff compared to the beauty of life. And despite what those doctors told my parents, I can walk, I can function physically, I had a beautiful son who was my best gift in this life, and I am proud of who I am today.
Monday, July 11, 2011
A Mother's Inspiration
Who inspires me the most? My mother, for many reasons. Between everything I have put that woman through, and the things she went through with my father in the past, and everything in between, she should be canonized as a saint. But that's not even the half of it.
A mother's love is unconditional, for most people. I am one of those lucky people to have a Mom who is not only supportive in every way, but can see past my Dark Half, push it aside, and remember who I really am. She loves me for ME. The real ME. You never know the true meaning of what it is like to be a parent, until you become one yourself. Now I know....now I know.
One of the most amazing things about my mother is her capacity to be completely selfless. A little over a month ago, my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. That morning, I had a feeling something was wrong, and the confirmation came when she sat on my porch and told me the grim news. It was devastating. I felt helpless as she sat there and cried, and I quietly wondered how in the world someone as good as her deserved this. I'd been so awful; I'd gladly have taken on the battle for her if I could have. We went into the house to make coffee, and to my complete amazement, she spoke these words to me: "No matter what happens, Ali, I do NOT want this to stray you from your path." In a moment where this was, and should be, all about her, she was thinking of me. Selfless. Later that day, after she broke the news to my sister, she called me to tell me how bad she felt. "Why Mom?", I said. "I felt bad because your sister sounded so upset", she said. Again, selfless.
So, the other day, I was looking through some old Get Well cards from when I broke my back 20 years ago. Before I had my accident, I had been living with my grandfather and sister, but upon leaving the hospitals (I had been in two, yes), I went to stay with my parents as I needed someone to take care of me. Of course, that person was my mother. When I was well enough, I went back to live with Gramps and Sis. Anyway, amongst all the get well wishes, I found a note card from my mother, dated after I left her to go back to my other roommates. The first line of the card read, "Thank you for allowing me to take care of you." Wait, what? Shouldn't I have been thanking her? Selfless.
I could give many more examples, like how brave she is after the difficult year our family has had, now only to be faced with breast cancer. Or how she tells me all the time that she loves me no matter what, how talented she thinks I am (and I always joke that she tells me that because she's my mother and is obligated), and how she has never stopped having faith in me. I've learned so much from my Mom that I can't even put it all into words. She is the pillar of strength from which I draw upon for my own strength. She is the glue that holds our family together. The one we can all count on to be loving, supportive, and never utter an unkind word.
Now it is our turn to hold her up, support her, and become the glue that she has been for my sister and myself. We will always be here for you, Mom....it is time for you to be selfish, and for US to be selfless.
~AJW 7/11/11~
A mother's love is unconditional, for most people. I am one of those lucky people to have a Mom who is not only supportive in every way, but can see past my Dark Half, push it aside, and remember who I really am. She loves me for ME. The real ME. You never know the true meaning of what it is like to be a parent, until you become one yourself. Now I know....now I know.
One of the most amazing things about my mother is her capacity to be completely selfless. A little over a month ago, my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. That morning, I had a feeling something was wrong, and the confirmation came when she sat on my porch and told me the grim news. It was devastating. I felt helpless as she sat there and cried, and I quietly wondered how in the world someone as good as her deserved this. I'd been so awful; I'd gladly have taken on the battle for her if I could have. We went into the house to make coffee, and to my complete amazement, she spoke these words to me: "No matter what happens, Ali, I do NOT want this to stray you from your path." In a moment where this was, and should be, all about her, she was thinking of me. Selfless. Later that day, after she broke the news to my sister, she called me to tell me how bad she felt. "Why Mom?", I said. "I felt bad because your sister sounded so upset", she said. Again, selfless.
So, the other day, I was looking through some old Get Well cards from when I broke my back 20 years ago. Before I had my accident, I had been living with my grandfather and sister, but upon leaving the hospitals (I had been in two, yes), I went to stay with my parents as I needed someone to take care of me. Of course, that person was my mother. When I was well enough, I went back to live with Gramps and Sis. Anyway, amongst all the get well wishes, I found a note card from my mother, dated after I left her to go back to my other roommates. The first line of the card read, "Thank you for allowing me to take care of you." Wait, what? Shouldn't I have been thanking her? Selfless.
I could give many more examples, like how brave she is after the difficult year our family has had, now only to be faced with breast cancer. Or how she tells me all the time that she loves me no matter what, how talented she thinks I am (and I always joke that she tells me that because she's my mother and is obligated), and how she has never stopped having faith in me. I've learned so much from my Mom that I can't even put it all into words. She is the pillar of strength from which I draw upon for my own strength. She is the glue that holds our family together. The one we can all count on to be loving, supportive, and never utter an unkind word.
Now it is our turn to hold her up, support her, and become the glue that she has been for my sister and myself. We will always be here for you, Mom....it is time for you to be selfish, and for US to be selfless.
~AJW 7/11/11~
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Dusting Off My Halo
This isn't going to be a big story or anything. I just need to get some feelings out so I can feel a little better, or at least try. My heart has been heavy the past few days due to some harassment issues, which I would rather not go into detail here. I've never gone through this before and I'm having a difficult time dealing with it. I do talk about it when I need to, but I'm just tired of HAVING to deal with it. And the worst part of it is, I feel like I only have myself to blame.
I do know I do not deserve to be stalked, by anyone, but had this individual not been introduced into my life during active addiction, I wonder if this would even be happening. I HAVE to take responsibility, at least for that. It fills me with quite a bit of guilt; not only am I affected by it, but so is my husband. I feel like when I'm only just trying to put the past behind me, it just comes creeping back, literally.
A couple of people I spoke to today, though, put it into perspective for me. The past is the past, and I've consistently been working hard to move forward and rebuild my life in a positive way. That being said, no matter what I've done, I don't deserve to be stalked or harassed, especially when I've made it quite clear that I want no contact. I know they are right, and I keep telling myself that and it's helping.
The consequences of our actions can be a real bitch. However, there are laws and boundaries that no one should cross, regardless. I've taken steps in doing the right thing, even though the devil on my shoulder tells me otherwise. I made a commitment to myself after this last devastating relapse to always do the right thing, and move forward, and ask for help when I need it. So, as much as I'd like to choke the crap out of this person, I'm not going to stoop down to their level.
This is where my Dialectal Behavioral Therapy comes into play...big time.
~AJW 7/7/11~
I do know I do not deserve to be stalked, by anyone, but had this individual not been introduced into my life during active addiction, I wonder if this would even be happening. I HAVE to take responsibility, at least for that. It fills me with quite a bit of guilt; not only am I affected by it, but so is my husband. I feel like when I'm only just trying to put the past behind me, it just comes creeping back, literally.
A couple of people I spoke to today, though, put it into perspective for me. The past is the past, and I've consistently been working hard to move forward and rebuild my life in a positive way. That being said, no matter what I've done, I don't deserve to be stalked or harassed, especially when I've made it quite clear that I want no contact. I know they are right, and I keep telling myself that and it's helping.
The consequences of our actions can be a real bitch. However, there are laws and boundaries that no one should cross, regardless. I've taken steps in doing the right thing, even though the devil on my shoulder tells me otherwise. I made a commitment to myself after this last devastating relapse to always do the right thing, and move forward, and ask for help when I need it. So, as much as I'd like to choke the crap out of this person, I'm not going to stoop down to their level.
This is where my Dialectal Behavioral Therapy comes into play...big time.
~AJW 7/7/11~
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