A Mother's Inspiration

Who inspires me the most? My mother, for many reasons. Between everything I have put that woman through, and the things she went through with my father in the past, and everything in between, she should be canonized as a saint. But that's not even the half of it.

A mother's love is unconditional, for most people. I am one of those lucky people to have a Mom who is not only supportive in every way, but can see past my Dark Half, push it aside, and remember who I really am. She loves me for ME. The real ME. You never know the true meaning of what it is like to be a parent, until you become one yourself. Now I know....now I know.

One of the most amazing things about my mother is her capacity to be completely selfless. A little over a month ago, my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. That morning, I had a feeling something was wrong, and the confirmation came when she sat on my porch and told me the grim news. It was devastating. I felt helpless as she sat there and cried, and I quietly wondered how in the world someone as good as her deserved this. I'd been so awful; I'd gladly have taken on the battle for her if I could have. We went into the house to make coffee, and to my complete amazement, she spoke these words to me: "No matter what happens, Ali, I do NOT want this to stray you from your path." In a moment where this was, and should be, all about her, she was thinking of me. Selfless. Later that day, after she broke the news to my sister, she called me to tell me how bad she felt. "Why Mom?", I said. "I felt bad because your sister sounded so upset", she said. Again, selfless.

So, the other day, I was looking through some old Get Well cards from when I broke my back 20 years ago. Before I had my accident, I had been living with my grandfather and sister, but upon leaving the hospitals (I had been in two, yes), I went to stay with my parents as I needed someone to take care of me. Of course, that person was my mother. When I was well enough, I went back to live with Gramps and Sis. Anyway, amongst all the get well wishes, I found a note card from my mother, dated after I left her to go back to my other roommates. The first line of the card read, "Thank you for allowing me to take care of you." Wait, what? Shouldn't I have been thanking her? Selfless.

I could give many more examples, like how brave she is after the difficult year our family has had, now only to be faced with breast cancer. Or how she tells me all the time that she loves me no matter what, how talented she thinks I am (and I always joke that she tells me that because she's my mother and is obligated), and how she has never stopped having faith in me. I've learned so much from my Mom that I can't even put it all into words. She is the pillar of strength from which I draw upon for my own strength. She is the glue that holds our family together. The one we can all count on to be loving, supportive, and never utter an unkind word.

Now it is our turn to hold her up, support her, and become the glue that she has been for my sister and myself. We will always be here for you, Mom....it is time for you to be selfish, and for US to be selfless.

~AJW 7/11/11~

Dusting Off My Halo

This isn't going to be a big story or anything. I just need to get some feelings out so I can feel a little better, or at least try. My heart has been heavy the past few days due to some harassment issues, which I would rather not go into detail here. I've never gone through this before and I'm having a difficult time dealing with it. I do talk about it when I need to, but I'm just tired of HAVING to deal with it. And the worst part of it is, I feel like I only have myself to blame.

I do know I do not deserve to be stalked, by anyone, but had this individual not been introduced into my life during active addiction, I wonder if this would even be happening. I HAVE to take responsibility, at least for that. It fills me with quite a bit of guilt; not only am I affected by it, but so is my husband. I feel like when I'm only just trying to put the past behind me, it just comes creeping back, literally.

A couple of people I spoke to today, though, put it into perspective for me. The past is the past, and I've consistently been working hard to move forward and rebuild my life in a positive way. That being said, no matter what I've done, I don't deserve to be stalked or harassed, especially when I've made it quite clear that I want no contact. I know they are right, and I keep telling myself that and it's helping.

The consequences of our actions can be a real bitch. However, there are laws and boundaries that no one should cross, regardless. I've taken steps in doing the right thing, even though the devil on my shoulder tells me otherwise. I made a commitment to myself after this last devastating relapse to always do the right thing, and move forward, and ask for help when I need it. So, as much as I'd like to choke the crap out of this person, I'm not going to stoop down to their level.

This is where my Dialectal Behavioral Therapy comes into play...big time.

~AJW 7/7/11~