The TarMan Cometh

Well, it's my favorite time of year once again. Then again, if you knew me then you'd know that every day is Halloween here. I just have an excuse to get creepier every October and blame it on the holiday. See what I did there? Works for me.

Anyway, I apologize if it always seems like I post about addiction, but well, it's my blog and I will if I want to. But, I have some plans coming up for the month, so this will be the last one for a while about my adventures in SmackLand. But I was thinking last night, after having a conversation with someone on Facebook about what opiate withdrawal is like and the best way to explain it to the lay person who's never laid track marks down that road.

I am a huge horror fan, most know this about me, but if you didn't, you know now. Especially vampires and zombies, who are, in effect, addicts themselves. The only diff is they like blood and brains, and we like the China White. Either way, we will suck the life out of ourselves, you, and everyone within in biting distance. But what I really got to thinking about was the movie, one of my all time favorites, "Return of the Living Dead". If you have never seen it, let me set it up for you in a real quick-like way: Two dimwits working at a medical supply company let their curiousity get the better of them, and go check out an Army tank in the basement that's stuffed with a rather nasty looking corpse, aptly named, TarMan (you will see the video soon to get the full on effect. Patience grasshoppers.) Well Moron #1 hits the side of the tank, this obnoxious gas comes blowing out into their faces, into the ventilation system, and out into Dimwit City. Oh, and of course, there is an appropriately placed cemetery across the street with a bunch of assholes partying in it (Incidentally, I was one of said assholes back in the day. I was always in a cemetery. Yes I'm morbid like that. I know). General mayhem ensues, raising the dead, and a whole lot of brain-chomping going on. In the meantime, Moron #1 and #2, though alive, are effected by said obnoxious gas and are effectively turned into one of the living dead, while still alive...are you following me here, or are you lost yet? Anyhoo, bottom line, they suffer through the stages of rigor mortis. It's a long and grueling process and in the end, the only thing that makes that pain go POOF is brrrrrrains.

Phew. Well, that's EXACTLY what opiate withdrawals feel like. I would imagine anyway. I've died, but never went through rigor mortis, but I can say I think I went through a form of it. A living hell. Many times (this dumbass didn't learn the first few several-teen times...sigh). You get all hot, then cold, your limbs get stiff and dizzy and all you can think of is either sawing your limbs off at the joint, or ending that pain with just a little prick of a needle. It really cannot be explained unless you've been through it. Most heroin addicts will tell you it's the worst.flu.ever. Yeah, a flu where you're 100% positive you are going to die (and pray and beg for it too).

These are the TRUE horrors of life, my friends. One of them anyway. It's not fantasy horror, or zombies shuffling outside your door, or vampires coming to call while you sleep. It's real life. It's scarier than the shit you see in movies. The monster you see is the one staring back at you from the mirror. People need to know this stuff. Kids need to know this stuff. Maybe, just maybe, if they knew the real deal, they wouldn't go all Curious George and get into some serious shit they may not make it out of. You don't have to get all graphic the way I did here, but you cannot, I repeat CANNOT, sugarcoat this stuff. It's life or death and it IS very real. And if you die, you will NOT be coming back as a cool-looking zombie to have Daryl Dixon pop a crossbow in your azz. Just.Not.Happening. Be well, my friends, be safe this Halloween season, and be responsible. More Halloweenie shit to come....

Enjoy this Return of the Living Dead music video. I still love this song....

June 21, 2012 (I couldn't think of anything catchier.)

Hello there. I'd have written sooner, but was focused on my other love, art. Anyhooo, just seconds before I began typing, I realized the topic I was going to discuss has been discussed by me before in a previous post. My memory frustrates me so; I can understand aging having an effect on it, but the other part is my own fault. (As always, Just Say No, kids.) But I don't dwell on it because what's done is done. I'm alive and I can continue being a pain in the ass to everyone around me.

So now I really don't have a topic, so I'll just let flow what comes to mind [insert your sarcastic joke here]. I sometimes get asked how I can be so positive all the time. It's as simple as this and doesn't take a whole blog to talk about but I'll try: You cannot possibly have died, in a physical and/or emotional sense, and come back being as miserable as you were prior to that event. Incidentally, I've done both. But that's not the point. The point is, once you realize that there is normally no going back from that, from death of the body or death of the spirit, and you look down at yourself and realize you made it, somehow, back to the living, that all the trivial things and bullshit just don't matter anymore. What matters is living, and doing so with gratitude and an open heart. I don't look for answers, I let them come to me. I don't waste my time wondering what if, I just LIVE. The gift of life is life itself. (Don't quote me on that last sentence, I think I ripped that off from something else I read. Again, memory....)

As I told someone in a private conversation this morning, I'm certainly not perfect; I have my days where murder seems like a better option. I still have trouble with...other people. But this is also why my circle is small, and close-knit. Because if I'm irritated by you then I just can't handle you and I choose not to. And the people I choose to surround myself with are also similarly positive people. And as someone close to me once told me long ago, you can't hang around with dogs and expect not to get fleas. Touche. And it's the absolute truth. There is peace in true happiness, you just have to be willing to work for it. It's not easy letting go of certain people, or things, but it is absolutely essential if all they can manage to do is rain on your parade. My life is all about me, and I'm certainly not going to let anyone, or anything, take what I deserve away from me.

As the mighty Metallica sang in their song, Escape, "Life's for my own to live my own way." Mmm hmm.

Now to practice my urban slang...Peace out. Until next time. Enjoy this little ditty while you're at it.

Happy Healthy Human

Well hello there. Yes, it's been a minute or two since I last blogged, but I've been busy. Happy to say that my life is pretty full today, with positive things. I don't think this post will be about one topic in particular today; I think I'm just going to pour my thoughts out for this one, more like a journal entry. So, let's get started.....

A lot has passed since I was here last - my one year clean and sober anniversary passed on February 18, my Mom finished her chemotherapy and radiation treatments, and I still have, and love, my job. There's so much positivity in my life today, and I like to keep it that way. Even if something bad happens, I try to see the good that can come out of it. In doing so, it keeps my mind and my spirit in balance.

I used to think that people who were happy all the time were sickening. Funny how my outlook has changed. I realize now that my mind at that time was in a not-so-good place, and what really bothered me about happy people was the very fact that they were happy. I think I was jealous of that on some level and wanted so desperately to be like them. Suffice to say, that I've finally reached that level, through hard work and a total overhaul in my thought process. Really, I always have been a happy-go-lucky kind of girl, but the difference between then and now is that I'm not hiding behind any masks. Not so long ago, I put on a "happy face" just to hide the darkness inside so no one would see that I was really suffering. Today, I truly am comfortable and content with who I am and the place that I'm in. No more masks; just being me, whether I'm in a good mood or a bad mood. I'm not as afraid to let my emotions show for the world to see. After all, even the sadness is part of who I am, and there's no reason in the world that I should hide it from anyone. None that I can see anyway.

I used to think a lot of things actually, but my perspective has changed so much in the last year or so, that I would need to write a few posts to discuss them all. So I will save those topics for another time. The bottom line is that my goal in life today is to not only be happy, but to make my world and our world a better place, or at least try my damnedest to make it that way. So far, so good on making myself happy. Unfortunately, I think the rest of the world is going to take a little more work.

I am by no means claiming to be perfect. I still cuss like a sailor, I can still be opinionated and judgemental at times, and I still over-obsess on a lot of different things, which is usually activities that stimulate my "gotta have it now" nature. Not drugs or drink, obviously, but things like my various hobbies. Because when I over-obsess, nothing else gets done, like housework. But I try to be self-aware of those things, especially the opinionated and judgemental part of my life. I can honestly say that if and when I do that now, it is unconsciously done, or at least at that moment, but hopefully, I will catch myself later so that I can correct it in the future. Because I know from personal experience, and I know everyone can relate to this, that I've been judged and it doesn't feel very nice. In fact, it feels very icky. I try to live with the attitude that everyone has a story. If I do not know that story and have not walked in that person's shoes, then who am I to judge them? It's a simple concept really and I wish that I'd have practiced that my entire life. But, better late than never. As with anything else, I can only move forward.

Well, I know this was kind of short, but I at least wanted to say, "Hey, I'm still alive over here!" and let those of you who do read my blog know that I am most definitely doing well, and trying to live my life in happier and healthier ways than in the not so far off past. I owe it to myself, and to my loved ones around me, to be the best person that I can be and never look back. I strive every day to reach my fullest potential as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and human being.