As Father's Day approaches, my first without my Dad, I've been thinking a lot about all the things left unsaid between us. I meant to write him a letter, and put it in his casket, but because I was relapsed at the time, I didn't do it. I feel ashamed that it happened, especially during that time, but in retrospect, I would rather write that letter to him now, while my head and thoughts are clear.
Before I do though, I think it is important to note that what I am about to say should have been said to my Dad long ago. I never had the courage to tell him how I felt. I struggle with that in all of my relationships. I wish I had just sat down and had a long heart to heart with him about our relationship. We have had mini conversations about it, and particularly about my struggles with addiction, but what I always really wanted to truly tell him, I couldn't. I learned a huge lesson from this. As painful as it might have been to say what was in my heart, it would have been the right thing to do. Now he is gone and all I can do is write this letter. Never wait to tell someone how you feel, they may be gone tomorrow.
Dear Dad,
It is coming up on one year since you left us, and our first Father's Day without you. I wish I had had the courage to tell you all that I'm about to say while you were here. I'm sorry that I couldn't. I hope that when I was holding your hand and you drew your last breath, you felt and heard what I was saying to you in my heart. It silently spoke, "I love you, Dad, and I always have."
For many, many years, our relationship was rocky at best. I thought you hated me, honestly. I resented you for your brutal honesty, your distance from me, your lack of emotional attachment, and never hugging me or telling me you loved me. It ate at me for so long. But as I look back, I think I know why you were so hard on me. It really WAS because you loved me. You wanted better for me and whether I believed it at the time or not, I am more like you than I ever used to care to admit. You saw yourself in me, and tried to shield and protect me from a very scary world. You were trying to teach me the hard lessons you learned along the way, but I wasn't listening.
I think about what your home life must have been like; growing up with Grandma. May she rest in peace, and we loved her, but she was so miserable in life. I know when I used to visit her, I'd always leave feeling drained and moody. Grandma had that way of affecting the best of moods. She was as emotionally detached as anyone can get, which helps explain how that attribute was passed to you. I understand that now.
I don't want to concentrate on the negative though. I've gotten past all that long ago. What I want to do now is tell you what you meant to me and what you taught me, as your daughter, as a woman. You taught me that family always comes first, no matter what - loyalty to your spouse and your children. Blood runs far thicker than water, and no matter what trials and tribulations our family went through, we stuck together.
You taught me patriotism and love of country. What more can I say about that? The statement is obvious. You served your homeland, and had I been able to, I would have too. From this you also passed on to me your passion for aviation. I can't look at a jet without thinking of you.
You taught me that love not need be expressed through words. Although it is nice to hear "I love you", actions far exceed the spoken word. I saw it in your eyes at my wedding, and felt it when we had our father/daughter dance. In case you didn't know it, you really were, and still are, The Wind Beneath My Wings. I saw it in your eyes again when Brendan was born. The pride and love in your eyes filled my heart and soul. And always the way you would look at him, or Jake, or Megan with a quiet smile on your lips, and tears in your eyes. I don't know if anyone else noticed it, but I did.
Lastly, you taught me forgiveness. For all of my own mistakes, trials and tribulations, in the end, you forgave me. I will forever be grateful that in the last 10 years of your life, we became closer than we ever had before. You were angry with me at first, and rightfully so, but the few hearts to hearts we did have will forever be burned in my memory. I will never forget Dad. I will never forget that for all the years of pain, yours and mine, that through it all, you loved me no matter what. And whether you knew it or not, and I think you did, I never once stopped loving you. You were and still are my biggest hero. You passed on to me your humor, your love of life, and your strength. I cherish those attributes and thank you for giving them to me.
So, as Father's Day approaches and your one year anniversary, please know that you are missed terribly. My comfort, our comfort, though, is knowing you are still with us, watching and taking care of us. You may be gone physically but just like in life, you never left us. Loyalty and Love.
Love and miss you always,
Ali
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