Tearing Down the Sanctuary Walls

It occurred to me the other day that I am all too comfortable being alone. Obviously, I'm not really alone; I have my family, my friends. But when I go through issues, as we all so often do, I draw back from the world and everything in it. I know that's not good. But I'm working to change that. For me, being and/or feeling alone has both it's drawbacks and it's advantages.

The advantage of being alone, in the physical sense, is that, like it or not, you're forced to learn to depend on yourself and move through the world on your own two feet. Before my husband, I learned through being by myself most of the time that I needn't depend on other people to define who I am. Having someone by my side was just a bonus, and if and when it did happen, it would be a genuine companionship - not one based out of need, in any form. Being independent definitely gave me a strong sense of self and a strength I didn't always realize that I had. Discovering who I really am has been a long, slow process though, marked by periods of self-medication. In those times I lose a part of myself and even after regaining clarity, I always need to rediscover it again. Despite the obvious drawbacks of addiction, one thing is true about coming out of the other side of it: I keep learning something new about myself.

Being alone has given me time to think, to realize, to discover, and above all, to learn who I am and what makes me tick. And more importantly, to look at everything in life, in my life, as a lesson, and to change those things which would block my path to real, personal growth. Not one person on this Earth can do that for me; I have to learn and change that for myself.

As for its disadvantages, well, the dark part of me has in some way always felt all alone in this world. I know now that's not true, but growing up I felt isolated despite those that were around me. I explained this before in a previous blog. So, when something felt uncomfortable, negative, or there were things I just had a hard time dealing with, I withdrew from the world and into my own. I know it's not a good thing, and my own little universe can be a very dark and scary place. The labyrinth in my head has way too many dark corners to hide in. I've gotten so used to hiding there over the years that it is a natural and automatic reaction to recede within, curl up in the fetal position, and ride the storm out where it's safe.

So for the last three weeks, between bad news, Father's Day, and the one year anniversary of my Dad's passing approaching, I've obviously been a bit down. I felt myself withdrawing - hanging back from everyone to deal with things in my own way, in my own mind. The key thing is though, I realized it. I never have before. I noticed that my phone, which my face is usually buried in to text all day, was placed wherever in my house and I didn't really care if it rang and I didn't hear it. I noticed that going anywhere was a task. I didn't feel like it. I'd have to force myself to be around people, and then when I was, I was already thinking about when I could return home, and retreat to the dark sanctuary in my head. And don't ask me what's wrong, because I am never going to tell you. Maybe a snippet or two, but not the whole thing. I can't.

But, I CAN. And I have, at least with my husband. Even if I only spill my guts to one person, it keeps it from festering in the Sanctuary. It is difficult as hell but I do it because I HAVE to. I'm not used to pouring out my feelings. At least not the negative ones. It helped, and I'm slowly coming around. To the rest of the world, I'm still hiding behind my mask of Humor, but at least at home, I know it's okay to be myself. I know it's okay to be sad. I know I don't have to put my happy face on all the time. And I know that in my home, I am loved for who I am regardless of how I am feeling. It is this last epiphany that drives me to keep going and to stand strong no matter what gets thrown my way, or in the way of the people I love the most. Growth, it seems, is not beyond me. And I'm so enjoying it.

~AJW 6/22/11~