I think it is imperative, at least to me, to note before I begin that all opinions expressed by me are just that, opinions...or thoughts, beliefs, whatever. I would never intentionally impose them on anyone. That being said, I think it is also important to point out that it is pretty sad that I even have to say it. But whatever, I will do the politically correct thing and just state it, for the record.
I also have to say that this is a really emotional day for me. Although to be quite honest, I have no clue why. It irritates me to no end when I feel like this; not knowing what it is that bothers me really grates on my last nerve. So if I babble a bit or throughout, that is why. There is a lot in my head at the moment. You know how people do that little dance when they have to pee? Well, instead of my bladder, I need to drain my brain. It's the only way I know how to let it go or feel any relief from it. Except for the alternative of course, and that is SO not happening.
I was in church on Sunday morning, and as you can tell, I didn't go up in a puff of smoke when I entered. All kidding aside, I was there for a memorial mass for my Dad, on the very day of the first anniversary of his death. It continually amazes me that whenever I have been in church over the last 25 or so years, how all the old rituals and prayers come back as if they never even left me, or more so, as if I never left them behind. But I know now that eight years of repetitiveness is the real reason. It's like anything else; once it's been pounded into your head over a period of time, it comes back as naturally as the habit of brushing your teeth.
So, as the mass wore on, and it came time for Holy Communion, my Mom and my sister got up to go and receive the body of Christ. (Which incidentally, I always secretly wondered how someone came to the conclusion that Christ's flesh is a flavorless, styrofoam consistency.) Unbelievably, the first thought that came to my mind as I sat and watched my mother and sister rise from the pew was, "I can't go up there, I'm a sinner." I don't know why that thought came to mind, only that most probably, it was the old Christian rules surfacing. It surprised me though, as I have absolutely no use for religious or spiritual rituals of any kind. I think I've mentioned before that no matter what religion or dogma I have ever studied, the rituals involved ALWAYS made me feel completely ridiculous. But the word "sinner" grated at my brain.
And maybe this is part of a huge web of spiritual struggle within the core of my being. Honestly, I don't like the way it feels. There have been many times in my life that I have struggled with what I have been taught as opposed to what I actually believe. It seemed easier to just push it all out and believe absolutely nothing. It worked for me, for many many years. But, the new life I have been given through recovery, and my vision of the world, my world, around me has given me great pause. The inner struggle is returning and it's not leaving me alone. Not even for a moment. So, to deal with this inner turmoil, I feel it necessary for my own sanity to evaluate what it is I believe, at this point in my life. Good grief, here we go.
I've always believed, whether it was when I was Catholic or when I was an Atheist, very strongly in humanism. I believe in what is tangible to me. I hold no faith in what I cannot see. No, let me correct that, the one thing I do hold faith in is the basic goodness of people and that in some way, shape or form, we are all connected. I just simply cannot force myself into believing in things I absolutely know nothing about, and may never know. Humanism, to me, is about the here and now. It puzzles me that so many spend so much time on the what ifs that they become blinded by all the mysteries, and don't appreciate what is right in front of them. We are here, we are real - no one knows why we ARE here, but that, in and of itself, is the beauty of it. While others obsess on what awaits us when the cycle of life is over, I'm busy enjoying what it is that I have RIGHT NOW. This includes not only those immediately connected to me, those people who I love, but everyone around me. After all, we are connected; we all sprung to life from a single-celled organism. We have evolved as a species, and it is our responsibility to evolve as individuals.
The one thing I do think about when I think about death, is that at our core, we are made of matter and energy. Matter withers and dies eventually, but energy does not. So where does our energy go when we move on from our earthly shells? I really couldn't tell you. I don't have the answer. Again, no ones does. And I don't spend too much time dwelling on it because I'd drive myself crazy. There are times though, like today for example, when I allow myself to ponder my very existence. I never wonder, though, about the meaning and purpose of my life. It's as much a mystery to me as anyone else. And again, I may never know the answer. But, I'm okay with that. This is my basic understanding of life and death, as I see it:
In our earthly shells, our physical bodies, our essence, or energy (or soul, if you prefer) is contained within. It is our "job" to nurture this energy and preserve its distinct characteristics, in other words, what makes you YOU. There is positive and negative energy, and whatever you choose to feed into your essence will shape and define the person that you are. However, what you feed into this energy WILL be projected outwardly to the world. Thus, there are negative, or "evil" essences, and there are positive, or "good", essences. But that is not even that simple; for there are still others who struggle with both, and can't really be classified into "good" or "evil". They are just, who they are, and learning as they go along through life. Those unclassifieds, the majority of us, fall into what I call the "purgatory" category - learning lessons from mistakes made, circumstances, or other key points in their personal cycle of life.
In death, our essence leaves our earthly shells. However, the personality or distinctiveness that makes that particular ball of energy our own remains imprinted. It is my belief, at this moment in my life, that until our essence "evolves" in a complete cycle, that is, we've learned all we can learn and have become a "higher being", our essence continues to be reborn, over and over, until that cycle is complete. We shed our dying and dead shells, and move on to another, but our essence remains, intact. Though I always struggled with the idea of past lives, it makes the most sense to me in scientific terms. Not to mention my own personal experiences in this area, but that of which I do not want to mention at this point. The only mystery to me right now is where our essence DOES go once our essence's evolution is complete.
My beliefs on the subject of our physical and "spiritual" evolution brings comfort to me. It helps me to have "faith" in people as a whole that we can learn, we can grow, we can evolve - even the person we believe to have the blackest of hearts. And if we cannot do it in the span of one physical lifetime, there are other lifetimes to give us that opportunity. For me, at least, it fills me with hope. It makes me believe that not one person on this Earth, not one "soul" in the history of time, is beyond redeemable. Labels like "sinner" and "saint" do not matter; it is that we become more fully WHO WE ARE.
AJW 6/28/11
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